dont know. dont know dont know. troubles are pilling. and everything seems to be totally wrong. what had i done? everything seems to be going in the wrong direction. not listening to me. my commands. my efforts... itried all i could. really. maybe none of you had seen what i tried. but i really did. i tried and tried. but i seems to fail everytime. it sucks. the feeling really sucks. i really wish for him to be well soon. him to get back to whatever thing he loved to do. yet, i know he couldnt. couldnt anymore. i'm not being passive, but, that's the truth, issnt it? i saw his reactions when the truth was once again painfully brought about. he stopped smiling. i know that. he wasnt happy. and he was regretful of what had happened. but still, so what? nothing could be change. could it? the time wont go back to the date where everything happen. will it? no. it wont. he knows that. and he knows he had to succumb to fate. the cruel fate which played such a cruel joke on him. why is it him? why. his laughter. his smile. the way he tried to make me relieve when he knows i'm tensed. i miss that all. the way his voice bombared over the phone, asking for my dinner order. or even supper or even when he went past the stall, and know i love the food there. i miss that all. now, he's there. lonely. sad. and no more laughter. since that fateful day, i havent heard him laugh. i havent, see his eyes glittered with happiness anymore... and i miss them all.

sometimes, i just wish. to dissapear. away from the surface. it would be great wouldnt it? or go on for a holiday. lie on the bed, sleep and sleep. i've gone far enough. i've push myself too much. overused. lack of energy. lack of courage. lack of faith. he's just too good. too great. too nice. until to the extent.... i'm afraid. afraid of what? i myself dont even know. ha. to the extend of willing to let go. to take a breathe or to rest. that's serious. issnt it? i thought of letting go. i admit that. esp when i saw his nick. the way he needed me. and i wasnt there. i know how bad it feels. not having someone by your side. when you needed encouragement, and console. i had gone through it not long ago. and i know how helpless it would be, staring at the four walls, not knowing what to do. i felt so guilty. so so guilty. for he was there when i needed him. being understanding. being nice. being sweet. being everything, an ideal guy would do. but me? i wasnt even there. listening to his troubles. consoling him. letting him know there i would be there, facing everything with him. instead, i was there. whinning. acting like a spoilt brat. not being strong. and throw on a big foul face. not only to him. but everyone. he was troubled, yet he still came over and care. me? i just ignored him. for the fact that i'm not in the total mood? that's so bastard. so useless. he has his problems yet he choose to accompany me, be with me. what more can i say? i could only be flooded with guilt. for the way i discarded him one side. for the way i treated him. for the way i made him gave in everytime. i'm so useless. i could make him happy. but, i still made him sad too. useless. i couldnt even be there for him. when i promised him i could. i couldnt even make him forever happy. when i wished that i could. useless. useless. maybe... i had asked for too much. i had earned for too much. for a perfect relation, with a smooth course. 446 days dont past just like that. it's with tears. with hardship. with obstacles. with smile. with laughter. with bliss and happiness. would i see you for the next 446 days? would we still be together after our next lap of studies? would we still have each other in our heart? i hope we do... and i hope, i would be a better dumdum. and for all you had done, i really dont know what to say... really, thankyou very much, dummdumm. really. thanks.

推你离开，是因为失去自己原有的自信。
失去原有的自信，是因为失去相信自己的动力。
失去相信自己的动力，是因为失去自己最好的那一面。
失去自己最好的那一面，是因为你。
因为怕失去你。
最好。最棒。最疼自己的你。

若有一天，
我说我不再喜欢你了，
你要相信我。



















虽然那会是个谎话，
但，那是唯一能带给你快乐的谎话。
我爱你。