irrational. what's with her? haha. she dont even know herself. fear? lack of trust? should be. jealously. she thinks so. paranoid. forget it. in love. causes much paranoid, fear and things that once were not her. her emotions. she couldnt even control them. she... dont even know the present her. sometimes, she stares at the mirror, thinking. who's this? the girl who looked so fake. so fake. the girl who's able to smile, when she dont feel like doing so. the girl who had learnt to sleep at 11 and wake up at 4. the girl who had learnt to wait for him to come online, just for the fact that she knows he's fine. the girl who had learnt to wait by the phone, for it to ring and have his number appearing on the caller ID. the girl who had get used to looking at him far, just to know he's alright. the girl who had learnt to be paranoid, be afraid and fearful. even the ones closest to her. just for the fact he's closer to them then to her. just for the fact he's important to her. just for the fact she's afraid... afraid that he might leave her. she knows that the day would come. especially when they are not in the same school anymore. feelings do fade. she knows that. yet, she thought she could go on with it. she thought as long as she holds on long enough, everything would be fine. she know she's lying to herself. however, she thought this would be a nice way. to avoid the reality. yet her friends around choose to tell her everything. everything that consist of him. she used to ignore them. she used to believe only him. yet... she realised, she cant continue. she cant. when she dont even know what he's thinking. what he likes. what he hates. what he wants. how he's feeling. she dont. she tries to know. yet he never. never allows her to know. his world... dont seems to have her.

yes. she's being so irrational. so irrational. she's being so stupid. so unworthy of everything he did.

i know. 417 days are difficult to pass. 417 days means alot. but... there's still alot of 417 days... only whether i'm there with you. i dont know how to continue with the thoughts that what you had used on me were all used on other girls. i cant. i used to believe. that you were the one. making me smile and happy. and in fact, you were. i started to learn how to smile even when i'm feeling real bummed. just because you were there. you would be looking at me. and you would be sad to see me down. but now, i'm wondering... is it really because of me. or her? forget it. i dont know what's wrong with me. today and yesterday. i dont know what i'm doing. what i'm typing. what i'm thinking. what i'm feeling. i dont. i had lost control over myself. you may say that i dont trust you. but have you thought of this. how could i trust you again and again, when everytime, i need to tell myself that everything i see, i hear is all nothing but lies? you never wish to tell me what you are really thinking. you never. when i started to probe more, you would just bring it over with a nevermind. or a yaya. since you dont wish to say more, i would have to analysis everything on my own. i'm easy paranoid, yes i admit that. i am. and because of all this, you should. think over... is everything worth it all. all your efforts. your time on a girl who cant even trust herself. who cant even understand herself. who cant even know the basic of you. your likes and hates...

now, i've turn around and back off. not because i dont love you anymore. neither is it your faults. it's just me. my fears. my paranoid, my stupidity. my problems. if you wants to continue on, call for me. ask me to stop. but if you dont, i know and i would. slowly back out of your life. and wish you happiness...

i know you are serious. i could sense it. but when it cames to choosing over an action and my own sixth sense, i choose actions.

when thoughts dont match with emotions.
when emotions dont match with words.
when words dont match with actions.
i dont know.
how to tell myself,
i'm still the one in your heart............

tears ran dry, leaving marks on her cheeks.