why do i think of him recently? thinking of his face, his jokes, his actions, his words... and most importantly, the song that he used to play for me seems to be ringing in my mind every moment. i shouldnt be thinking of him, or rather i cant do so. i thought i had already choosen him, but yet, why is it him who is appearing in my mind this few days? his words and actions never failed to bring tears to my eyes, and create huge waves in my heart. is that what they call love? if it is, then what about him? i thought, i love him? after what had happened yesterday, the arguement seriously brought me to wonder... is it even right for us to start out in the beginning? we seem to be belonging to two different worlds... our personalities never meet. Arguements and quarrels filled up most of our memories... we once used to be happy, yet what causes the change? trust? or faith? since all that had happened, i dont know how to love him like before. i dont know how to face all of them, without remembering they could actually be related to him... i admit, that the basic trust aint even there... i couldnt bring myself to trust him again... his word and actions had fail to create anymore ripples in my heart. no more. hurt and untrust filled up the place where he belonged in my heart. i know for myself, that i dont wish to face him, admitting that he used to be the one and only one. i know for myself, that i couldnt face him, knowing that he had actually hurt me so many times. Yet, can i continue doing all this? can i continue avoiding all the sensitive topics between us? can i bring myself to cross over that boundary, that's keeping him away from my world? can i be real happy when doing all this? can i smile and face him and tell him i love him? i dont know... i'm tired and i'm torn apart... totally shattered.... i hated arguements with him. i really do. our arguements never failed to let me sigh deeply, let me feel so helpless and tiring. Yet our arguements were always the one, that brought me further away from dreams and fairytales, bringing me closer to reality, inching me nearer to desperation, letting me always wonder, why am i doing all this to myself? holding on when i know we cant go on anymore. Yet, when i had muster all the courage to tell himt hat, i lost all the courage that i once have, to stand firm. when all i see was his face- his eyes filled with questions. his wision blurred from focus.. he choose to stare at me, the way which could send thousands of darts right into my heart, causing it to bleed exceptionally fast. he choose to stare at me, questioning of my choice and decision, making me vulnerable to protect myself the way i did before. he choose to stare at me, the way that would make me say "i'm sorry" without me realising. he choose to stare at me, the way that would make me realised that he acutally still meant something. he just choose to tortue me this way... he choose to be there, always in my sight, letting me see how happy he is with other people... letting me notice him, letting me know how he's going on without me... he just choose to do all this... and today, i realised... his words cant be trusted... not anymore... they... are just something he tells everyone about. :(


you asked me what happened to me. and i tell you now... i'm bummed. totally bummed. your words... are just so meaningless... they... are just simple words and phrases that you used on any other girls... why, why do you have to keep me by your side when all you had is other people? ... totally shattered ...