15 december is coming... his birthday. my choice day. =[ i dont want choose. can i? lols. i doubt so. =[


he asked me for an answer.
i told him i had none.
he looked at me,
and a frown appear.

still say until so hao ting. wont force me. yeahs right. =[ but, nevermind... chi zao dou yao do this de. so... let's face it bahhs. =[


so, this whole long long post is for him. and him. and to the someone else. LOLS. complicated. yeahs. i think so too. =[


i never know that things would get into such a situation. yeahs. all this stoopid relation problems.. i thought it all happen in dramas ONLY. but i guess, it had already happened ehhs? it had already proceeded onto a situation where... bu shi ni si jiu shi wo wang. hahas. sound so violent. i'm NOT talking about any war shows. (: and well, someone HAD to decide. someone HAD to be sacrificed. hahas. someone will say something again. (:


so i guess, i had to decide... or force someone to decide. =[ and ouchs. it causes huge misery since then. =[ and i guess... it's partly my fault ehhs? after that day's conversation with him and him, i realised.. i can be super idoitic and stupid and cocky and bitchy at times. yeahs. =[ and so, there will be an apology at the end of the post. hold on. (: their conversations really make me think twice again. what do i actually want? who do i actually need? and why do i choose all this. and now, i think.. i had a clearer idea of what, who and why. but, i still cant get a way to do all this. without hurting anyone. yeahs. i'm still finding. (: but pain and hurt is inevitable. it sounded so FA case. hahas. so the best thing is to do something that will cause the least number of casualties right? yes. say yes. (: so i shall go ahead with my decision. yet... i admit. i'm still holding myself. what am i waiting for? i'm also curious... i mean. what's the problem with me? everything is what i asked from him. and he gave it to me. let me off. well, although he dont agree totally. but.. at least, he's willing to let me go... but, why am i still halting at the junction, unwilling to cross the road to where he's standing, to where he's smiling, waving at me. i just... want to continue that path of mine. however, that path wont be the same anymore.. he had someone else to take care of. i had someone else to bother about. both of us... is unable to face each other, looking into the eyes and say, i only love you. we cant. no matter how hard he tries to forget her, how hard he tries to ignore her... nothing would be possible to change the fact that they would still exist between us. so since it's like that... why do we still try so hard to forget them? forget their existence? forget that they once make an impact in our lives? forget that... there's someone else who takes up another part of our heart? yeahs. impossible right. if anyone out there tell me yes, i kill u arr. (: so.. i'm saving everyone from the trouble of forgetting someone. YAYS. (:

now, my decision. i didnt say i would try my best to forget him. neither did i say that i would purposely ignore him. hahas. i'm aint that evil kays? but, if one day... i say one day. i really decided to leave him and cross the road to him, i will be at the other road, looking at him and her.. walking. holding hands? i dont know. but definitely... it would be a perfect picture without me. yes. we will be heading the same direction. although our last destination might not even meet. but, it would still be hurtful ehhs? so... to save myself for all this tortue, i have the choice to forget him right? say yes. be kind larr. (: but still... i'm unwilling to let go. after all.. 500 days dont come that easily. especially after facing SO many challenges. hahas. relation hardens after some challenges? yeahs. i dont deny the fact... but, the trust also undergoes challenge... and after so many this have happen... what, who and how can i trust again? i'm aint blaming him. i'm just... tired of going on with the fact that so many factors are there, disrupting my journey down. =[ i hate pressure. and stress. and of course, hurt. when all i could do when i shut my eyes, were them. when all i could think is him. when all i could tell myself is it's alright... i dont have the energy to face everyone with the smile that i am already sick off. i want to take that freakish mask away. i want to just sit one side and be quiet. i just want to stay there alone... i just want to be there, under the rain... and let the tears flow free. all i want is all this... i just want someone to be there, to listen to my rantings. to listen to my complains... all i want is someone to be there, to pamper me, to let me know he love me... i just want that someone to be him. yet... he seems to be as tired to do so... he had only energy for her... i dont want to cross the road. i dont want to. i want to hold his hand and walk happily down the road. although i might trip and fall on the stones... i dont mind. he would be there to hold me up right? i thought so too. i once, had the confidence to tell everyone that. but now, where's all the confidence? where's all the trust i had? lost. gone. disappeared. i cant... go on anymore. when i cant even let him tell me that he love me only. when i cant even tell him that i love him only. what can i do? i'm left with nothing. all i could do now is to cross the road... and stand at the opposite side of the road and look at him smile. 15 december... i had to decide.=[ i dont know what i will do. but i know, i would let him be his replacement, neither would i let her be my replacement... you dont know what's love. neither do i know what's love... all this 500 days is a happy memory. thanks. i love you and thanks. i like you.

i say i would apologise for my attitude. hahas. i apologise. detailed apology will be made. (: thanks all for giving in to me for my attitude. thanks all for accepting who i am. thanks loads. (:


你曾说过你只为自己爱的人真心微笑。那个人，从来都不是我。你没爱过我。因为，你不知道什么是爱。